So i've been thinking.....

I've been going to a different church. It doesn't have a home, it's homeless. Right now we are meeting in an old building, a junior high school that is without a doubt the worst public school building in Lawrence. Built in 1929  it commemorates World War One Veterans.  The chairs creak when you sit down, scrunched close together with little leg room, the sound equipment is borrowed and causes high pitched squeals, and the lockers are decorated with obscene graffiti. While the building could be romanticized as "rustic" and ironically "Vintage" there is no getting around it- it's dirty and breaking down. And yet  no one seems to notice.  In a time when church buildings have high definition projection screens and  attendees contribute to multi-million dollar expansion projects, this young church does not invest in even a building to call home. And i like it. You know the saying "The Church has left the building"? Sometimes i feel as if that's forgotten. The Church isn't a building, there doesn't have to be a somber building with pews and stained glass windows in place in order to worship God. If we could put God in a building, what kind of God is that?  No, the Church is the people. That is to say, churches do need meeting places and offices and nurseries. But there is a fine line between what is needed and what is wanted. Sometimes i wonder what would have happened if Emperor Constantine had not turned Christian. I'm sure the Edict of Milan was an answer to the early christian church, but i wonder sometimes if when Christianity became legal, it took something away. (I am no preacher, I'm merely 18 so some of my writing can be completely proven wrong and i will admit when I'm wrong; so please correct me--there, that's my disclaimer) But when I'm lacking faith i don't look back at the people who  went on crusades or the kings and queens who explored in the name of God; rather i look back at the martyrs. It's easy to have faith and rely on God when the going is easy, when there is a guarantee of good to come. But what about when death is in your face? When denying God gives you life back, rather than death?  In a society where it is socially acceptable to be christian, i wonder how many would remain if it was no longer acceptable? These are questions that plague me. And so when i look at mega churches, or new expansion projects, i wonder. Have we lost sight of what is really important? Last week i was going up some creaky old stairs, covered in stinky carpet with stains of who knows what on my way to bible study and it gave me a visual picture of almost a thousand years ago. It made me think of the meetings that took place long ago. What did the church of Christ look like then? They weren't holding meetings in St. Peter's Basilica, it was rather in the hidden rooms of houses, done in secret. I don't want to romanticize the time of persecution that Christians underwent; but there was a reliability and complete trust in God that they had to have that i am envious of. To completely rely on God- what would that look like for me? For the church i attend? I am a flawed person, but i can see the reliance of the church i go to now in the fact they don't have a building. They broke even last month for the first time in a long time in terms of money.  What a reliance on God! What complete trust! That isn't to say I'm sure they would love to have more money to pour in, but i think sometimes that in these trying times, reliance on God's providence is something that we must experience. For me it makes God less of a concept and more of a reality. This entry isn't to call out other churches in which there is a focus on building, but more of just my thoughts and questions. God told the Israelites to not keep back the manna or quail to save, because it caused them to rely on Him. How do i rely on God? By saving money? By hoarding goods? These things pass away. If i die tonight what does it matter? I'm not pointing fingers, trying to call someone out, but merely being frustrated with myself. It seems like i always have to re-center myself. What is my focus? If God's plan for me was to never marry and have kids, what would my response be? Would i trust that He will fill my longing in this? What sacrifices am i willing to make in order to follow God? No new clothes? No husband or children? No "college experience"? And I'm saddened in the fact that i hesitate in my mustard seed faith. But i must realize that God never gives us more than we can chew, more than we can handle. He will provide for me. Just like He will provide a meeting place for this new church, he will provide funds. I just have to trust.