late night conversations

Tonight i had a long talk with my sister Emma. For once i was able to understand where she was coming from religion wise. This is ironic because i just had a conversation with Carolyn mere hours earlier about how to talk to my sister about God, and she just opened up. And you know what? I'm stumped. So confused. Why? Because my sister's questions make sense. Me. I'm supposed to be all wise, or rather God is supposed to give me answers. And to be completely honest i'm a little angry with Him right now. Because as my sister reasons and doubts and wonders what is really going on ( for the record she believes in an "energy" like karma, but mixed with the mormon belief that everyone goes to some kind of heaven),  i'm right there with her. Her questions, what makes christianity right as opposed to other religions makes sense. She said "well its how you're raised. If you were raised in Islam you would believe it's right." and what do i have to say to this?!' NOTHING. because i have the same doubts as she does.  I have the same questions, but i try to push them away. Serious doubts, and here my sister is having the same ones, and i'm supposed to lead her to a faith i have issues with logistics wise. Her questions, her reasons, i pray to God that he will give me proof, words to say that are wise so that she can understand. But understand what i know? i am not wise. i have so many questions still. She says prayer doesn't work. Sometimes i wonder too. Confession: i hardly pray for the things i really want, more along the lines of what i think i should want. For example instead  of praying that i loose weight and feel confident and get a boyfriend, i pray that God will take away my want of a boyfriend and instead replace it with a thirst for him and go on a diet, thinking that is something i can handle on my own, and i should want God more than a boyfriend. ANYWAY all this said, i still have major doubts. How am i supposed to help my sister? and sometimes i wonder, do i really want to help her? Her thought that God is selfish in wanting everything to be right in the world so that we can worship Him is not a question i haven't wrestled with before, and so i wonder if my faith is based on something substantial or me wanting to fit into a mold  that looks  appealing to me.  I'm so confused, and i just shove my doubts away for another day because i'm scared of what answers i will find.

remembering

As i sit here i my room i'm reading my old graduation cards. You could say that i'm something of a pack rat, so yes i still have all the graduation cards from last spring. It's weird to look over the cards. As i sit here trying to figure out what the heck i want to do with my life, i'm surrounded by these cards from a community that has believed in me. There isn't pressure there to follow a certain path, but rather a belief that whichever path i take, i will succeed. Considering my self-esteem level is sub par these cards of encouragement help me to look forward and believe in myself. And also to trust that God has a plan. There is a HUGE sense of blind faith in where i am right now. and looking back who knew this is where i would end up? But i know God has it in control. If only i will trust that His plan is right, correct. This weird/awesome time in my life is so confusing. I feel like it's a brief breath of freedom. A fork in the road that if i keep wandering i get to experience life but i also get to miss out on a ton. There is such a rich culture, so many different windings in the path that i get to choose.  So as i sit down and make lists, i realize what is important to me. And living in the memories and romanticizing high school won't get me anywhere now.  Where do i go? What do i want to do. The world is at my fingertips, and i do not want to be contained. But there are fears, loneliness.  So many pros and cons. Where to begin? I plan to make a list. My own bucket list. Because with no family, no relationships to tie me down, how do i make the most of this time in life? My fear is waking up ten years down the road and realize i never did what i wanted to do. However, on the same level i fear waking up ten years down the road, in the middle of nowhere with no direction in my life, and no one to share it with.  How do you balance? Where do you draw the line?

when you come back down

it's time to wander....

new plans next semester

So i think i've drastically changed my plans for next semester. I think i'm going to move out of GSP, into an apartment/house and possibly take a semester off, or take a couple of classes at Johnson County. I plan to work full time instead, so that next summer i can go overseas for the summer. I'm not sure what i plan to do, but i realized it's time for me to do something. I feel trapped on this treadmill of what i'm expected to do. But it's my turn to do what i WANT to do, not what i feel like is socially expected of me. And for once i'm happy and excited. There is something to look forward to. So now i'm meeting with my advisor, looking at places to live, a possible roommate, a job... it's very up in the air, but i'm working on it. It's out of my control, but i feel like i'm doing what i am supposed to do. I will probably still do younglife, and it looks like Kanakuk won't happen next summer. However, if plans change and i end up there, that's good too!  But it's awesome because two of my best friends will be overseas too, it would be awesome to see them! I may do missions work in Africa, or  study abroad. I don't know, but i'm going to finally DO something... not just survive day to day. I finally feel like there is a drive and passion to my days... 

"Commit your activities to the Lord and your plans will be achieved" Proverbs 16.3

And who am i to worry??!! it was never in my control anyway

GAHhhh

Why do i get so distracted? In a place where it seems like my only focus should be on God, and i am finally getting to a point where i don't focus on my usual worries, i get distracted and have to start back at the beginning again. This is more of a rant than anything. Why can't i trust and rely on God's timing? Why do i try to take everything into my own hands!?  I need to focus on Him rather than him.  But i don't . I try ever so hard to study and focus on secular things rather then God. Argghhh it makes me sooo mad at myself!! Why can't i just turn off distractions. I'm a runner... figuratively. I want to run away from people, issues and i can't. There can be a point of interest here, there was in high school, there is one now. It's not going to go away. And the temptations and distractions i face in this won't go away even if i transfer. Maybe if i went to an all girls school.  Even if i go to Colorado, i will find distractions there. It's in my nature, and it kills me. I want God to take this away from me, or rather i want to want Him to take it away from me. I invite these issues myself, i initiate it myself. I have no self discipline. And its the same thing over and over again! I think i'm something special, and even when i get the warning signs that i'm NOT, i blindly forge ahead without taking heed to the fact that i'm less than mediocre. Then i fall into bouts of depression, after these stupid pairings i put myself in. I hate it! I hate it i HATE it!independence doesn't hurt me, and i need to stay there. Sometimes HOPE is the killer of joy, not just comparison. I was okay by myself but now in this state of DEPENDENCE i find myself seriously lacking. I give  up. I'm going to be a hermit. I'm done with socializing and i'm going to move to colorado and be a hermit. Just me and God and NO  society for me to have failed hope in.

So i've been thinking.....

I've been going to a different church. It doesn't have a home, it's homeless. Right now we are meeting in an old building, a junior high school that is without a doubt the worst public school building in Lawrence. Built in 1929  it commemorates World War One Veterans.  The chairs creak when you sit down, scrunched close together with little leg room, the sound equipment is borrowed and causes high pitched squeals, and the lockers are decorated with obscene graffiti. While the building could be romanticized as "rustic" and ironically "Vintage" there is no getting around it- it's dirty and breaking down. And yet  no one seems to notice.  In a time when church buildings have high definition projection screens and  attendees contribute to multi-million dollar expansion projects, this young church does not invest in even a building to call home. And i like it. You know the saying "The Church has left the building"? Sometimes i feel as if that's forgotten. The Church isn't a building, there doesn't have to be a somber building with pews and stained glass windows in place in order to worship God. If we could put God in a building, what kind of God is that?  No, the Church is the people. That is to say, churches do need meeting places and offices and nurseries. But there is a fine line between what is needed and what is wanted. Sometimes i wonder what would have happened if Emperor Constantine had not turned Christian. I'm sure the Edict of Milan was an answer to the early christian church, but i wonder sometimes if when Christianity became legal, it took something away. (I am no preacher, I'm merely 18 so some of my writing can be completely proven wrong and i will admit when I'm wrong; so please correct me--there, that's my disclaimer) But when I'm lacking faith i don't look back at the people who  went on crusades or the kings and queens who explored in the name of God; rather i look back at the martyrs. It's easy to have faith and rely on God when the going is easy, when there is a guarantee of good to come. But what about when death is in your face? When denying God gives you life back, rather than death?  In a society where it is socially acceptable to be christian, i wonder how many would remain if it was no longer acceptable? These are questions that plague me. And so when i look at mega churches, or new expansion projects, i wonder. Have we lost sight of what is really important? Last week i was going up some creaky old stairs, covered in stinky carpet with stains of who knows what on my way to bible study and it gave me a visual picture of almost a thousand years ago. It made me think of the meetings that took place long ago. What did the church of Christ look like then? They weren't holding meetings in St. Peter's Basilica, it was rather in the hidden rooms of houses, done in secret. I don't want to romanticize the time of persecution that Christians underwent; but there was a reliability and complete trust in God that they had to have that i am envious of. To completely rely on God- what would that look like for me? For the church i attend? I am a flawed person, but i can see the reliance of the church i go to now in the fact they don't have a building. They broke even last month for the first time in a long time in terms of money.  What a reliance on God! What complete trust! That isn't to say I'm sure they would love to have more money to pour in, but i think sometimes that in these trying times, reliance on God's providence is something that we must experience. For me it makes God less of a concept and more of a reality. This entry isn't to call out other churches in which there is a focus on building, but more of just my thoughts and questions. God told the Israelites to not keep back the manna or quail to save, because it caused them to rely on Him. How do i rely on God? By saving money? By hoarding goods? These things pass away. If i die tonight what does it matter? I'm not pointing fingers, trying to call someone out, but merely being frustrated with myself. It seems like i always have to re-center myself. What is my focus? If God's plan for me was to never marry and have kids, what would my response be? Would i trust that He will fill my longing in this? What sacrifices am i willing to make in order to follow God? No new clothes? No husband or children? No "college experience"? And I'm saddened in the fact that i hesitate in my mustard seed faith. But i must realize that God never gives us more than we can chew, more than we can handle. He will provide for me. Just like He will provide a meeting place for this new church, he will provide funds. I just have to trust. 

 

I'm kinda a deep thinker. My problem is i can't word things right to put down on paper.  But one thing i have been thinking about is how God talks to us. I've never been one where i actually hear a voice, and i think that's been really misrepresented. I don't know anyone who has said they hear voices, and for the longest time i felt like a failure because i didn't hear voices ( am i only the one wanting signs of schizophrenia??!!) But it took a hike with a good friend to realize, God meets us in different places. For me it's when i'm walking in the woods, or in a really quiet place. Maybe that's why i love nature and being outside so much, because it's the closest i can get. The complexity of society distracts me and the only place i really feel quiet is out in the woods, far away from the hub of civilization. In Romania this summer it was like that... unplugging and simplifying. I can kinda understand why so many authors got away... wasn't  it Thoreau who  left and lived out in the wilderness... on walden pond or something like that..... it makes so much sense though. Sometimes i just want to run away.... forget school and forget careers, just be a hermit working a crappy job that enables me to be gone and i don't need to stay in school for YEARS . I have heard about people doing that during the summer, its through the navigators, where they work low paying jobs over the summer and their goal is to minister to their coworkers. I feel like that's what our life is supposed to be like, completely focused on God, not our careers, not relationships( that's me, i'm HORRIBLE at not focusing on that, or lack of that ha). I've worked at Camp Barnabas, and possibly a Kanakuk Kamp this summer( we will see...) and i  know it's like a bubble. But life isn't supposed to be like that! We are supposed to live like that every day. I hear everyone loves working at Kanakuk, that the people are awesome. And it's supposed to be like that all the time! I think some of it has to be with being AWAY for so long.. you forget gossip magazines, fashion styles ( all you wear are modest shorts and covered shoes----no coach or ralph lauren in the woods)... but really, what if life was like that all the time?? Sometimes i think college kids who work at these camps are clique-ey... but i think maybe it has to do more with the fact that they know what life is supposed to be like, so simple and completly relying on God, not ourselves. Once you get a taste of that, you never want to go back, and you want to share that with everyone who has also experienced that... Anyway those are my RANDOM thoughts for today... all over the place i know. P.s. election day is today... how do you vote ethics vs reason? abortion vs war?  economy vs gay marriage? I almost don't want to vote... because my ethics are with mccain, but my common sense is with obama...  is fair to force my religion on those who don't believe? once agian... maybe i will just move to colorado and  forget this life.... ha but lets be serious, i would never do that.