late night conversations

Tonight i had a long talk with my sister Emma. For once i was able to understand where she was coming from religion wise. This is ironic because i just had a conversation with Carolyn mere hours earlier about how to talk to my sister about God, and she just opened up. And you know what? I'm stumped. So confused. Why? Because my sister's questions make sense. Me. I'm supposed to be all wise, or rather God is supposed to give me answers. And to be completely honest i'm a little angry with Him right now. Because as my sister reasons and doubts and wonders what is really going on ( for the record she believes in an "energy" like karma, but mixed with the mormon belief that everyone goes to some kind of heaven),  i'm right there with her. Her questions, what makes christianity right as opposed to other religions makes sense. She said "well its how you're raised. If you were raised in Islam you would believe it's right." and what do i have to say to this?!' NOTHING. because i have the same doubts as she does.  I have the same questions, but i try to push them away. Serious doubts, and here my sister is having the same ones, and i'm supposed to lead her to a faith i have issues with logistics wise. Her questions, her reasons, i pray to God that he will give me proof, words to say that are wise so that she can understand. But understand what i know? i am not wise. i have so many questions still. She says prayer doesn't work. Sometimes i wonder too. Confession: i hardly pray for the things i really want, more along the lines of what i think i should want. For example instead  of praying that i loose weight and feel confident and get a boyfriend, i pray that God will take away my want of a boyfriend and instead replace it with a thirst for him and go on a diet, thinking that is something i can handle on my own, and i should want God more than a boyfriend. ANYWAY all this said, i still have major doubts. How am i supposed to help my sister? and sometimes i wonder, do i really want to help her? Her thought that God is selfish in wanting everything to be right in the world so that we can worship Him is not a question i haven't wrestled with before, and so i wonder if my faith is based on something substantial or me wanting to fit into a mold  that looks  appealing to me.  I'm so confused, and i just shove my doubts away for another day because i'm scared of what answers i will find.

remembering

As i sit here i my room i'm reading my old graduation cards. You could say that i'm something of a pack rat, so yes i still have all the graduation cards from last spring. It's weird to look over the cards. As i sit here trying to figure out what the heck i want to do with my life, i'm surrounded by these cards from a community that has believed in me. There isn't pressure there to follow a certain path, but rather a belief that whichever path i take, i will succeed. Considering my self-esteem level is sub par these cards of encouragement help me to look forward and believe in myself. And also to trust that God has a plan. There is a HUGE sense of blind faith in where i am right now. and looking back who knew this is where i would end up? But i know God has it in control. If only i will trust that His plan is right, correct. This weird/awesome time in my life is so confusing. I feel like it's a brief breath of freedom. A fork in the road that if i keep wandering i get to experience life but i also get to miss out on a ton. There is such a rich culture, so many different windings in the path that i get to choose.  So as i sit down and make lists, i realize what is important to me. And living in the memories and romanticizing high school won't get me anywhere now.  Where do i go? What do i want to do. The world is at my fingertips, and i do not want to be contained. But there are fears, loneliness.  So many pros and cons. Where to begin? I plan to make a list. My own bucket list. Because with no family, no relationships to tie me down, how do i make the most of this time in life? My fear is waking up ten years down the road and realize i never did what i wanted to do. However, on the same level i fear waking up ten years down the road, in the middle of nowhere with no direction in my life, and no one to share it with.  How do you balance? Where do you draw the line?

when you come back down

it's time to wander....