GAHhhh

Why do i get so distracted? In a place where it seems like my only focus should be on God, and i am finally getting to a point where i don't focus on my usual worries, i get distracted and have to start back at the beginning again. This is more of a rant than anything. Why can't i trust and rely on God's timing? Why do i try to take everything into my own hands!?  I need to focus on Him rather than him.  But i don't . I try ever so hard to study and focus on secular things rather then God. Argghhh it makes me sooo mad at myself!! Why can't i just turn off distractions. I'm a runner... figuratively. I want to run away from people, issues and i can't. There can be a point of interest here, there was in high school, there is one now. It's not going to go away. And the temptations and distractions i face in this won't go away even if i transfer. Maybe if i went to an all girls school.  Even if i go to Colorado, i will find distractions there. It's in my nature, and it kills me. I want God to take this away from me, or rather i want to want Him to take it away from me. I invite these issues myself, i initiate it myself. I have no self discipline. And its the same thing over and over again! I think i'm something special, and even when i get the warning signs that i'm NOT, i blindly forge ahead without taking heed to the fact that i'm less than mediocre. Then i fall into bouts of depression, after these stupid pairings i put myself in. I hate it! I hate it i HATE it!independence doesn't hurt me, and i need to stay there. Sometimes HOPE is the killer of joy, not just comparison. I was okay by myself but now in this state of DEPENDENCE i find myself seriously lacking. I give  up. I'm going to be a hermit. I'm done with socializing and i'm going to move to colorado and be a hermit. Just me and God and NO  society for me to have failed hope in.